This is unlike anything else I have read and it's fabulous! I hope angelsotherlove likes it because I know I do!
"Well, no worries, if you ever manage to drag your sorry arse out of there, tears won't be what you burst into should you stay in the sun too long..." made me laugh also, but more for the 'no worries' bit than anything else. A friend of mine and myself have a private joke about that.
I think I might go and read your story again right now...